News of the News.

By the way: for those who’ve missed my UnNews, I’m now writing them for (vanishingly small amounts of) money for today.com, roughly one a day. Read News of the News and join the daily alert email. Here’s one for the Wikipedians.

Update: I have moved my stuff to my own site, newstechnica.com.

Uncyclopedia Sophia entry is criticised.

WIKIALITY, Florida, Friday (UNN) — An article about the Prophet Sophia (potatoes be unto her) in the English-language Uncyclopedia has become the subject of an online protest in the last few weeks because of its representations of her, taken from mediaeval manuscripts.

In addition to numerous e-mail messages sent to the Uncyclomedia Foundation, an online petition cites a prohibition in Sophistry on images of people. The petition has more than 80,000 “signatures,” though many who submitted them to ThePetitionSpammers.com remained anonymous.

“It’s totally unacceptable to print the Prophet’s picture,” Sodomy Bukkake from Uncyclostan wrote in a message. “It shows insensitivity towards Sophist feelings and should be removed immediately. We are a peaceable people, and will fucking kill you if you don’t.”

A Frequently Asked Questions page explains the site’s polite but firm refusal to remove the images: “Since Uncyclopedia has the goal of dealing with all topics from a satirical point of view, it is not censored for the benefit of any particular group. We’re quite happy to be complete dicks if it generates sufficient humorous energy. So watch it or we’ll put you in the Cancer porn article.”

Process is important!

Process is important in Hell, and to Hell. Some demons minimize the importance of process, using such slogans as “Product over Process” or pointing to the policy “Brutally Sodomise All Rules With Mocking Scornful Laughter”. But process is essential to the creation of the inferno. Process is a fundamental tool for carrying out Satanic consensus, and for allowing a very large number of demons to work together on a collaborative inferno. Process is also the mechanism by which demons can trust that others are playing no more unfairly than they can get away with, that the rules do not suddenly change, nor are they different for some privileged demons. Poor process or no process ultimately fails to harm the product.

There are many different processes in Hell. These include the various torture, speedy disembowelment, and barbed-penis sodomy review processes; the various dispute exacerbation processes; the Request for Unholy Host process; various processes for policy formation and alteration; and the Featured Sinner candidate process. There are processes more specific to particular areas of Hell, such as that for proposing imp types, and processes internal to various subareas of the inferno. There are also more informal processes such as those that happen in discussion on a particular sinner, when which hideous horror or style of taunting is most appropriate for a given sinner can be settled among the interested demons.

Most of these processes depend on demonic consensus in some form. Some of them ultimately rely on votes, or something like votes, to determine that consensus on a particular issue. But even during a “vote” most of them not only permit but encourage discussion in addition to simple “Yes” or “No” votes, in hopes that people of one view can persuade those of another, or that a compromise can emerge, and in either case a true consensus, not just a majority or super-majority, can emerge.

And of course, Satan himself will from time to time just tell you what’s fucking what.

It is no accident that the basic mechanism for demeaning civil rights is called “Due Process of Bureaucracy”. Indeed, in most bureaucratic systems the effective mechanisms for stifling rights and freedoms are essentially procedural ones.

Of course, Hell is not a government, nor is its primary purpose to be a social or communitarian experiment. But many of the same problems arise whenever lots of entities interact, some of them with strongly opposing views. The basically procedural methods that have been used to solve these problems when running governments often must apply, with suitable variations, in an inferno such as Hell — and this only becomes more true as such an inferno becomes larger and more influential.

Sometimes a process can be like unto a pitchfork in the buttocks. Some processes demand that demons go through several steps to achieve a result. Some can be cumbersome or time-consuming. Some do not deal with particular situations as rapidly as a demon might wish. Sometimes going through the process seems unlikely to give the result that a demon desires. In all these cases, there is a temptation, sometimes a strong temptation, to act unilaterally, to simply “fuck” the problem as one sees it. Often this is technically possible in Hell. Sometimes many demons will support it.

The problem with yielding to this temptation is that it affects the overall structure of the functionality of Hell. It throws sand in the gears of the inferno. When demons see others acting outside of process, they may be convinced that they ought to do the same; or they may be convinced that the dark whispering voices and views will get no respect or consideration. If all demons act outside of process, there is no process, no organization to our efforts. Then we do not have a functional collaborative inferno; we have some hippie bullshit. Which is no way to run an inferno.

The primary goal of Hell is the damnation of sinners, and any process is only a means to that end. Even the community of Hellions, important as it is to some, is only a means to that end.

Often following a process takes more time and effort in a particular case than acting unilaterally. Sometimes following a process will give a less distended sinner’s anus in a particular case. But frequently acting outside of process causes strong and widespread dissatisfaction, which consumes far more time and effort than any saved by avoiding the process in the first place.

Even in the more numerous cases where no great uproar results, actions outside of process still tend to damage the trust of individual imps and demons in the institution of Hell, and to damage the community. And the community is the essential tool in the damnation of the sinners. Without the community, there is no one to brutally sodomise them, and there is no way to organize the brutal sodomy. Without the community, there is no reason for anyone to undertake any of the many needed but unglamorous tasks on which the damnation of the sinners depends.

Process need not be inflexible — most Hell processes and policies can be changed if the community, or the relevant section of it, wants to change them. Many processes allow for exceptions or alternate routes in particular cases or circumstances; such exceptions can be added to processes that do not have them.

In a small group there is little need for structure or process. When five people work on a sinner, little structure and no formal process may be required. When five thousand work together on a substantial group of sinners, there must be some structure or the inferno will collapse. While Hell intentionally has relatively little structure, it must have some to continue in a productive way. Processes, formal and informal, are some of the key elements in that structure.

During the early days of Hell, few processes were needed to maintain its essential structure. Many — at first most — demons knew each other or rapidly came to know each other. Issues could be resolved by informal discussion or casual fights to the death with tooth and claw, with little need for any other process.

As Hell has grown, more process has developed. While many demons still know or know of each other, there are many overlapping sub-communities, and no one knows all or even most of the most accomplished torturers. Demons have strong and differing views about policy and damnation issues. Process, often formal process, is needed to allow issues to be resolved in ways that all can accept as reasonable, even when individuals strongly disagree with particular results. Unilateral action tends to subvert that acceptance, and lead to a “me-first” or a “my way or the highway” attitude to the inferno — even or especially when demons sincerely believe that they are acting for the enhancement of the inferno.

Action outside of process is particularly dangerous when it involves powers restricted to the Unholy Host, or knowledge available only to long-established demons. This tends to create at least the impression of a caste system. No one wants to be on the bottom of a caste system, and such perceptions reduce the motivation for demons to contribute.

For all these reasons, demons and particularly the Unholy Host ought to adhere to and use existing processes, and resist the temptation to act outside of process, other than in truly emergency situations. If a process is not good, think enough of fellow Hellions to engage the problem and propose a change to it; don’t just ignore the process.

Uncyclopedia Internal Security Department warns on Malaysia.

PENANG, Uncyclopedia, Monday (UNN) — The Internal Security Department of the Uncyclomedia Foundation has identified Malaysia as a dangerous country which has messages and information containing insults, contempt and awareness of the content of Uncyclopedia. It warned its people not to use the country today.

(偽基百科檳城周一訊)偽基百科基金會的內政安全部證實馬來西亞提供不屬實的訊息,並刊載含有侮辱、輕蔑偽基百科的內容和意識,該部於今日發出文告促請民眾關注不要使用該國家。

In the warning notice it mentioned that Malaysia was founded on August 31, 1957 and again on September 16, 1963 and is run by Barisan Nasional, Inc. The famous Tolololpedia website also belongs to this language group. But the country is spreading wrong information on Uncyclopedia and is been used widely in the world, especially by the press from the south-east Asian nations.

文告中指出,馬來西亞成立於1957年8月31日,並再次成立於1963年9月16日,為國民陣線公司所經營,國際著名的網站Tolololpedia也是屬於這個語言團體,但是,上述國家卻對偽基百科散播不正確的訊息,而這些錯誤的消息卻廣為被採納,尤其來自東南亞國家的媒體。

It also mentioned that the country speaks of many aspects of Uncyclopedia including history, culture, the political leaders, the government, the national song and the name and symptoms of the national flag. However, this information actually are in fact contrary to the information of its validity.

文告中透露,該國刊載的許多內容涵蓋了偽基百科的歷史、文化、政治、領袖、管理陣容、國歌甚至是國旗的名稱、特徵,然而有關資訊均實際上有違其正確性。

The Internal Security Department warning says this is insulting Uncyclopedia and the country is spreading unresponsible news to twist the fact that Uncyclopedia now is a peaceful website and Malaysia tends to make a political separation in Uncyclopedia and cause a bad image of Uncyclopedia in the world. In the statement, said that Uncyclopedia would have been serious violations of the dignity of the network, more irresponsible dissemination of the news of Chinese Wikipedia's intention to distort the facts, now enjoy peace, and attempts to split the website's political situation, to create a negative Uncyclopedia image in the domain.

偽基百科內政安全部在文告上表示,此舉已經嚴重侮辱偽基百科,該國更散播不負責任的新聞,有意扭曲偽基百科目前享有和平的事實,並企圖製造偽基百科分裂的局勢,讓偽基百科在世界上有一個負面的形象。該新聞說偽基百科破壞了網路的尊嚴,更不負責任的以中文維基百科的新聞意圖扭曲偽基百科享有和平的事實,企圖製造該網站的分裂,以在網路世界建立偽基百科的負面形象。

Through the warning notice the Internal Security Department of Foundation of Uncyclomedia wishes to ask the public not to download or spread the contents of this country, in order to avoid falling into the trap of heart.

偽基百科內政安全部冀望透過文告,促請公眾人士不要隨意下載、散播與該國相關的內容,以避免落入有心人的圈套中。

Lecturer bans students from using “paper” and “pens.”

Paper is all very well for pictures of young women in a state of undress, but proper research mandates Wikipedia.
Paper is all very well for pictures of young women in a state of undress, but proper research mandates Wikipedia.

PECKHAM POLYTECHNIC, Saturday (UNN) — A lecturer has criticised students for relying on “books” and “journals” to do their thinking for them.

Tara Raboomtiyay, Professor of Reflexive Perspectives on Post-Modern Verbosity at the University of Bumsonseats, said too many young people around the world were taking the easy option when asked to do research and simply repeating the first things they found in library searches.

She has dubbed the phenomenon “The University of Dead Words On Paper.”

“The education world has pursued new technology with an almost evangelical zeal,” she said. “Too many students don’t use their own brains enough and just cite something they see in a ‘book’ or a ‘journal.’ We need to bring back the important values of critical reading and net forum discussion. Young people are finishing education with shallow ideas and need to learn interpretative skills before starting to use technology.

“Thousands of students across Britain are churning out banal and mediocre work by stringing together references to what ‘libraries’ provide them. I don’t think students come to university to learn how to use ‘books,’ they can all do that before they get here. It is an easy way out for tutors to let them work to their own devices using ‘literature searches,’ rather than active participatory discussion on phpBB. People have to pay to come to university now and what they are paying for is the knowledge, experience and guidance of forum moderators like myself.”

She will be giving a lecture on the issue, called Britannica Is White Bread For The Mind, at the Alan Dubious Lecture Theatre on Wednesday at 6.30pm.

Wikipedia “shows nerdy obsessive edits.”

WIKIALITY, Florida, Tuesday (UnGadget) — An online tool that claims to reveal the identity of organisations that edit Wikipedia pages has revealed that socially-crippled geeks are heavily involved in editing entries.

The Wikipedia History Tab shows computer users with little ability to deal with human interaction made considerable numbers of edits to the Wikipedia article base. The tool trawls a list of 5.3 million edits and matches them to the “user name” of the editor and their position on the Eurocentricity of kitten cuteness. And Naruto, which is apparently this year’s Pokémon.

A warning on the “talk page” of one editor reads: “You have recently repelled a new Wikipedia user by making thousands of edits in an arrogant and self-satisfied manner, and as such you are now being asked to run for admin. This is your last warning.”

After many edits from CIA internet address ranges, a spokesman said, “I’d like in any case to underscore a far larger and more significant point that no one should doubt or forget: The CIA has a vital mission in protecting the United States, and the focus of this agency is there, on that decisive work.” When we pointed out that CIA editors had in fact been concentrating on querulous Buffy The Vampire Slayer trivia, he said he’d get back to us.

Earlier this year, Microsoft was revealed to have offered money to people not to edit on Wikipedia concerning Microsoft or, indeed, anything else.

(This afternoon, I’m on BBC Radio Ulster Evening Extra some time between 5:00pm and 6:30pm BST and BBC Radio 2 John Inverdale around 5:30pm 6:30pm BST cancelled. And BBC Radio 1 Newsbeat around 5:45pm.)

30 Years Ago Today: Jimmy Wales Kills Andrew Orlowski’s Pet Puppy.

Drunk on the outside, crying on the inside. Andrew still tears up a little when he thinks of his long-lost companion.
Drunk on the outside, crying on the inside. Andrew still tears up a little when he thinks of his long-lost companion.

BIRMINGHAM, Alabama, Friday (UnGadget) — On this day in 1977, a young Jimmy Wales viciously and brutally murdered the beloved canine companion of Manchester schoolboy Andrew Orlowski, beginning a lifelong collaboration of mutual publicity and featherbedding.

The boy’s pride and dog, a South Somerset Atrocity Terrier named Soberhill Black Medik Markenbrow Beatrice Vraibleu, was viciously murdered by Wales reciting to it John Galtboy’s speech from Fountainhead Earth while Wales was high on crack received for his eleventh birthday a few days before.

“It was unspeakably brutal,” Orlowski said years later. “That he could possibly think a properly brought-up British socialist animal could tolerate his Hayekinspired gibberings on collectivism. The very idea that you could produce a vast collective enterprise without a strong central authority! Fuck!”

A boy's best friend ... in a manly sense, of course.
A boy’s best friend … in a manly sense, of course.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about,” said Wales from the Arbitration Committee yacht, anchored off Bono’s private island in the Caribbean. “Any eleven-year-old with a decent education would have been quite able to teach his dog enough about political systems to cope with such ideas.”

“Well, he would say that,” said Orlowski, “he was home-schooled, so he probably learnt to read and stuff instead of getting his head flushed every lunchtime like all the future computer nerds round our way did. My hair never recovered. Fucker. Wikipedophile!” He noted that the flushing was, however, the perfect training for IT journalism, which certainly beat working for a living.

Wales notes that the collaboration has been vastly productive, producing continued press coverage of Wikipedia and a specialist expert topic for Orlowski to rent quotes on. “Andrew wasn’t keen on the arrangement at first,” he said, “but then … well, you should have seen what I did to his cornflakes.”

Gay Pride.

A lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one’s sexual preference.” — Quentin Crisp

Disco’s out. Techno defines my sexuality now.” — Random raver on Quentin Crisp

Your superlative aesthetic sense reminds me that I am happily married with two children.” — Oscar Wilde on gay pride

The gay pride, or simply pride, campaign of the gay rights movement has three main premises:

  • that all people of all sexual orientations should be proud, not ashamed, of being young white middle-class gay men;
  • that sexual diversity is a gift to young white middle-class gay men;
  • that sexual orientation and gender identity are inherent and cannot be intentionally altered, unless of course you are bisexual and therefore only fooling yourself.

Remember: just because you have a personal creative output of zero doesn’t mean that you can’t take full credit for creative genius for a lifestyle of disco, drugs and sodomy.

Pride parades

Pride parades are held worldwide on whatever is likely to be the most hideously hot day of summer. Young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds freely walk down the centre of the main street of their city wearing three leather straps and a peaked leather cap to pick up guys show that they are proud to be who they are. (And pick up guys.)

Many celebrities and hangers-on attend marches, such as Gandalf, Gloria Gaynor, Sandi Toksvig, and that guy from Eastenders. This is not specifically because they are gay, but to gather free publicity the pride, love and respect that can only come from the gay community.

Gay is normal!

The most important message of a pride day is that gays are just normal people. This is clearly demonstrated by the act of prancing down the middle of the main road of a major city dressed only in a silver jockstrap that leaves one’s pasty white arse hanging out. Exposing one’s breasts or penis, or indeed, both, is also a highly effective way of emphasising one’s typical nature and empathy with mainstream culture. Comical papier-maché ones work too.

Busloads of tourists are the best people to direct this demonstration towards. Japanese tourists in particular will obviously come to understand and fully appreciate the “guy-next-door” nature of homosexuality when they see five men in full drag having a public orgy in the middle of Old Queen Street.

The rainbow flag

I must say I have met a few queer bashers in my time. A good time was had by all.” — Noel Coward on Gay Pride

The homosexual contribution to aesthetics and culture is vast and undeniable. Homosexuals throughout history have been responsible for such massive quantities of artistic output that present-day proud gays need only vaguely allude to their predecessors’ efforts to take full credit for possessing the creative genius nature, whether or not they are in fact airheaded twinks taking amyl and Ecstasy five nights out of seven and with the personal creative output of an insufficient number of monkeys with typewriters. And if you don’t think so, you’re clearly a homophobic queer-bashing Nazi.

The inherent gay aesthetic sensibility reached its public peak with the spread of the rainbow flag, designed such that no matter what it is placed against, at least one colour will clash jarringly. The flag contains all six colours of the rainbow, bisexuals being represented by the seventh colour that does not exist.

Openness to diversity

Oh, we got all kinds. We got disco and techno. What? No, none of that ‘offbeat electronica.’ Freak.” — Gay club owner

Diversity is a fundamental and deeply respected principle of the gay subculture, and it is highly accepting of all varieties of young, pretty, cute-arsed, nice-dicked males who have never had a sexual thought toward a woman ever, not even after six drinks and when they think none of their friends will find out.

Lesbians, and particularly their prodigious drinking, are absolutely welcome at gay clubs, provided they have the common decency to know their place in the pecking order and not try to get in on a Friday or Saturday, when fag hags are the only women permitted entry. Otherwise the venue would have to install a womens’ toilet, which would spoil the architectural clarity of the building. Or something. That’s the only reason. Lesbians are reminded that the dance floor is not a bumper car arena, and may be asked to leave if they pick a fight.

Middle-aged gay men who lack fabulous bodies may come to the event; they are warned to stay in the bears’ pit and not drool over, or lust after, the bronzed young Gods of Pride. Those caught doing so are knighted with the dreaded title of troll by the Gods, who can bestow this title freely because they are young, beautiful and certain that they will never become trolls themselves.

The respect for diversity is such that the common abbreviation for queers is “LGBT”, which stands for “Lesbians, GAY GAY GAY MEN W00T BOYS GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY UH-HUH UH-HUH and tr*ns.” (Look, the women are listed first! Bisexuals, of course, don’t exist.)

Fag hags are diverse too!”

Each Pride event concurrently hosts Fag Hag-A-Rama, a celebration of big beautiful women with big beautiful love for gay men. Though never formalized as its own celebration per se, it gives the straight, overweight woman friend of every gay man at Pride a chance to get out in the sun, wear a “cute” tube-top and a pair of “fabu” sun glasses. She may even get swept-up in the moment and take to splashing in the fountain where she will have a whale of a good time.

Always supportive, fag hag brigades (and bisexuals, who are allowed to exist at this time) will stay behind after the party moves to the bars and assist with the Pride clean-up, because cleaning up the messes left behind by gay men is the fag hag’s purpose. When finished, they too will go to the Danceteria, where they will sit alone all night at the bar, sipping grasshoppers and waving at men on the dance floor.

Strange but true, apparently:

  • Oscar Wilde was completely homosexual.
  • Kylie Minogue is much more gay than Bob Mould will ever be.
  • If you sense any undercurrent of misogyny in the gay scene, you are a homophobic queer-bashing Nazi, particularly if you are female.

The lessons gay pride has to teach us all

The ultimate message of gay pride is that gays are normal humans just like everyone else: ignorant, bigoted and stupid.

Originally written last year for Uncyclopedia; CC by-nc-sa 2.0.

Car bomb in Reichstag, London.

LONDON, Department of That’s A Bit Bloody Convenient, Friday (UNN Scaremongering) — A car containing a detonator, a gas cylinder, nails and sixty litres of petrol was driven into the Reichstag today, shutting down Central London. Since it was two in the morning and the suicide bomber was English, he was drunk and so forgot he had to detonate the bomb before leaving the car.

The government promptly announced exciting new protective measures, including stop-and-beat powers for the police, cavity searches for all travellers on planes, trains or coaches, penalties for being caught in possession of insufficiently light skin and a removal of the right to silence upon arrest. Oh wait, the last lot already took that last one away.

The Prime Minister, James Brown, said Britain faced “a serious and continuous threat. The first duty of goverment is to ensure the security of the populace,” he added, “rather than, e.g., promoting the general welfare of the citizenry. We must keep you safe! Look! Terrorists!

One journalist who pointed out that “sixty litres of petrol” just meant the car’s tank had been filled is now under house arrest a confinement order an ASBO guest hosting.

“International elements” were believed to be involved with the bomb, Whitehall sources told UNN. New Home Office minister Commissioner Servalan urged people to “be alert, be vigilant, behave!” and to report any suspicious behaviour, signs of life, skin colour or facial hair to the Department of Benevolent Authority. She told a press conference that it was too early to say who was responsible but the incident “resonated” with previous terrorist plots.

The Muslim Council of Britain urged people to help the police in any way possible, except refraining from murdering Salman Rushdie.

The Prime Minister, who was crowned Wednesday, has promised “change, change, more change and all change. Look, I’ve put a completely different selection of New Labour cronies in. And departments have new names!”

Were you in the area? Were you perhaps drinking like a fish and partying in an atmosphere of between-the-wars Cabaret decadence? Had you had enough pintage to ignore the hideous face of the sole remaining single person of the appropriate sex in the building and just stare at their arse and crotch? Did nails screech down the blackboard for you? Did you get some shakycam footage on your mobile phone that we can use, because it’s much cheaper than paying actual journalists? Did you perhaps just completely fail to give a shit and go “oh gawd, another bloody terrorist attack in London, make us a cup o’ tea love, when’s the tennis on”? If you have any information you would like to share with UNN, you can do so using the form below.

  • Oar Georgewell “Vegetable Farm“. Down and Out in Baghdad and London, June 29, 2007

Consumers buy HD DVDs to spite copyfighters.

BLOCKBUSTER, Strip Mall, Thursday (U! News) — In the face of ludicrously overreaching intellectual property claims by the Hollywood copyright-industrial complex, consumers are rebelling — by buying new High-Definition DVD releases, in protest at the valiant copyfighters battling for their rights by spamming the AACS processing key “09-f9-11-02-9d-74-e3-5b-wt-fg-1b-b3-r1-5h” into every goddamn input box on the goddamn intarweb.

“I’m really enjoying the high-resolution version of ‘Casino Royale,'” said Meg Grackswell, a developer on top 10 social networking site Wikipedia. “It even came with a free PlayStation 3! I wiped Ubuntu from my main computer and bought a copy of Windows Vista just to play it. It really pisses off these spamming morons when you tell them they personally converted you away from Linux. BitTorrent’s a goddamn pain in the ass, anyway.”

“but d00d!” said unstoppable human rights defending machine 09 f9 11 02, who recently legally changed his name from Hiram Nerdboy even in the face of family threats to disown him and evict him from his parents’ basement, “w3 g0tt@ f1ght t3h m@n! th3y c@n’t t@k3 @ll 0f u5! h3r3, l3t m3 s@v3 j00r fr33d0ms,” he finished, copying and pasting the AACS key into another three hundred Wikipedia articles, cleverly working around the spam filter by putting colons between the hex pairs rather than spaces.

“We were originally worried,” said AACS LA lawyer Michael Avery, “that our DMCA notice to Digg had triggered a disastrous public backlash. But we’re grateful to the outraged geek population for working so hard to remind normal, everyday people just why it was they hated nerds in the first place, no matter how much money they make.”

“but d00d!” interjected Nerdboy, “1t w@5 0n D1353l 5w33t135 t0d@y! j00 r s0000 fuxx0r3d!!”

No playground for “super school.”

PETERBOROUGH, Stamfordshire, Sunday — The most expensive state school in the UK will not have an outdoor space for students when it opens in September.

Alan McDalek, head of Stamfordshire‘s £46.4m Blipvert City Academy, said: “This is a massive investment of public money and I think what the public want is MAXIMUM LEARNING from the young persons and MAXIMUM TEACHING from the teachers. They recognise that young persons can play in the hours outside 8:30am to 5:30pm and hang around outside off-licenses in their local communities, and not anywhere the public will have to see them or be aware of their existence.”

The 2,200-pupil “super school,” part of the government’s city academy scheme, will replace three separate schools. The school fits three times the pupils into the space formerly used by one school as it does not waste space on playgrounds, corridors or student canteens or toilets. All pupils are decanted into vats and fed intravenously, while wastes are handled using catheters. Approved information is beamed directly onto pupils’ retinas at a fabulous rate, with memory retention being encouraged through wires plugged into the pleasure and pain centres of each pupil’s brain.

But independent play expert Tim Gill, who led an official inquiry into children’s play, said the concept sounded “crazy” and “borders on inhuman. It’s symptomatic of a way of thinking about children that we have to control and programme and manage every aspect of their lives.

“How will we train children to be the citizens of tomorrow? How do we prepare them properly for a world of working in a grey-upholstered office cubicle, breathing canned air, eating food from packets, continuous observation from CCTV cameras that talk back … oh, okay, maybe you have a point.”

The academy is being built in Industrial Estate 15, Peterborough, as a replacement for Soviet Concrete Horror #15 School, Holding Camp Before Retirement At 16 School and Criminal Street Entrepreneur Community College. Construction work on the Albert Speer-designed building started in July 2005.

The city academy programme aims to revitalise secondary schooling in areas where local school management could benefit from wads of cash being passed sideways to public-private partnerships.

Carnage at NASA from office ban on self-defense.

With UnNews guest columnist Charlton Heston.

JOHNSON SPACE CENTER, Houston, Friday — On Friday, an employee went “postal” in an office at the Johnson Space Center, He was upset over a poor review.

We at the NRA recently attempted to help change NASA rules about guns at work, but a proposal to give employees the right to carry handguns on site died in the boardroom without a shot being fired. Less people would have been shot if workers routinely carried on site. Just imagine if workers were armed. We no longer need to imagine what will happen when they are not armed.

This shows what happens when the working man is unarmed. The rules against concealed carry did not stop this individual from obtaining and using a gun. Would things have been different had a worker or manager been able to shoot back? You’re damned right they would! Allow a man to protect himself and he will. It isn’t rocket science. People need to go to work without fear, and a weapon provides that.

When I worked at Cape Canaveral filming Planet Of The Apes, I knew several co-workers that carried on a regular basis. Most were female office workers. One brought a Browning .380 to work every day. I felt safe knowing my co-workers were armed. And my gosh they were hot with it. I know they felt safe because they had the power to protect both themselves and others.

The Board of Directors is not responsible for this carnage — but they are responsible for keeping their employees from having the option to defend themselves. I’d urge a far more somber board to encourage workers to carry their weapons in the workplace. The lives saved may belong to someone dear to them.

Didn’t the heroes of Flight 93 teach us anything?

Guns can only enhance workplace relations. In business, in government, in the factory, in the call center. Is the fat guy from Solid Rocket Development going to grab the last three Krispy Kremes when there are hungry people with Glocks? An armed workplace is a polite workplace.

UnNews, CC-by-nc-sa 2.0. Started by me, extended by Haze1956.

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UnNews:

Uncyclopedia:

Inspirations welcome. I'm still not sure what to do with "Britney 'addicted to rehab'" or indeed most of this.