Car bomb in Reichstag, London.

LONDON, Department of That’s A Bit Bloody Convenient, Friday (UNN Scaremongering) — A car containing a detonator, a gas cylinder, nails and sixty litres of petrol was driven into the Reichstag today, shutting down Central London. Since it was two in the morning and the suicide bomber was English, he was drunk and so forgot he had to detonate the bomb before leaving the car.

The government promptly announced exciting new protective measures, including stop-and-beat powers for the police, cavity searches for all travellers on planes, trains or coaches, penalties for being caught in possession of insufficiently light skin and a removal of the right to silence upon arrest. Oh wait, the last lot already took that last one away.

The Prime Minister, James Brown, said Britain faced “a serious and continuous threat. The first duty of goverment is to ensure the security of the populace,” he added, “rather than, e.g., promoting the general welfare of the citizenry. We must keep you safe! Look! Terrorists!“

One journalist who pointed out that “sixty litres of petrol” just meant the car’s tank had been filled is now under house arrest a confinement order an ASBO guest hosting.

“International elements” were believed to be involved with the bomb, Whitehall sources told UNN. New Home Office minister Commissioner Servalan urged people to “be alert, be vigilant, behave!” and to report any suspicious behaviour, signs of life, skin colour or facial hair to the Department of Benevolent Authority. She told a press conference that it was too early to say who was responsible but the incident “resonated” with previous terrorist plots.

The Muslim Council of Britain urged people to help the police in any way possible, except refraining from murdering Salman Rushdie.

The Prime Minister, who was crowned Wednesday, has promised “change, change, more change and all change. Look, I’ve put a completely different selection of New Labour cronies in. And departments have new names!”

Were you in the area? Were you perhaps drinking like a fish and partying in an atmosphere of between-the-wars Cabaret decadence? Had you had enough pintage to ignore the hideous face of the sole remaining single person of the appropriate sex in the building and just stare at their arse and crotch? Did nails screech down the blackboard for you? Did you get some shakycam footage on your mobile phone that we can use, because it’s much cheaper than paying actual journalists? Did you perhaps just completely fail to give a shit and go “oh gawd, another bloody terrorist attack in London, make us a cup o’ tea love, when’s the tennis on”? If you have any information you would like to share with UNN, you can do so using the form below.

• Oar Georgewell “Vegetable Farm“. Down and Out in Baghdad and London, June 29, 2007