Month: June 2007

“A lifetime of listening to disco music is a high price to pay for one’s sexual preference.” — Quentin Crisp

“Disco’s out. Techno defines my sexuality now.” — Random raver on Quentin Crisp

“Your superlative aesthetic sense reminds me that I am happily married with two children.” — Oscar Wilde on gay pride

The gay pride, or simply pride, campaign of the gay rights movement has three main premises:

• that all people of all sexual orientations should be proud, not ashamed, of being young white middle-class gay men;
• that sexual diversity is a gift to young white middle-class gay men;
• that sexual orientation and gender identity are inherent and cannot be intentionally altered, unless of course you are bisexual and therefore only fooling yourself.

Remember: just because you have a personal creative output of zero doesn’t mean that you can’t take full credit for creative genius for a lifestyle of disco, drugs and sodomy.

Pride parades

Pride parades are held worldwide on whatever is likely to be the most hideously hot day of summer. Young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds freely walk down the centre of the main street of their city wearing three leather straps and a peaked leather cap to pick up guys show that they are proud to be who they are. (And pick up guys.)

Many celebrities and hangers-on attend marches, such as Gandalf, Gloria Gaynor, Sandi Toksvig, and that guy from Eastenders. This is not specifically because they are gay, but to gather free publicity the pride, love and respect that can only come from the gay community.

Gay is normal!

The most important message of a pride day is that gays are just normal people. This is clearly demonstrated by the act of prancing down the middle of the main road of a major city dressed only in a silver jockstrap that leaves one’s pasty white arse hanging out. Exposing one’s breasts or penis, or indeed, both, is also a highly effective way of emphasising one’s typical nature and empathy with mainstream culture. Comical papier-maché ones work too.

Busloads of tourists are the best people to direct this demonstration towards. Japanese tourists in particular will obviously come to understand and fully appreciate the “guy-next-door” nature of homosexuality when they see five men in full drag having a public orgy in the middle of Old Queen Street.

The rainbow flag

“I must say I have met a few queer bashers in my time. A good time was had by all.” — Noel Coward on Gay Pride

The homosexual contribution to aesthetics and culture is vast and undeniable. Homosexuals throughout history have been responsible for such massive quantities of artistic output that present-day proud gays need only vaguely allude to their predecessors’ efforts to take full credit for possessing the creative genius nature, whether or not they are in fact airheaded twinks taking amyl and Ecstasy five nights out of seven and with the personal creative output of an insufficient number of monkeys with typewriters. And if you don’t think so, you’re clearly a homophobic queer-bashing Nazi.

The inherent gay aesthetic sensibility reached its public peak with the spread of the rainbow flag, designed such that no matter what it is placed against, at least one colour will clash jarringly. The flag contains all six colours of the rainbow, bisexuals being represented by the seventh colour that does not exist.

Openness to diversity

“Oh, we got all kinds. We got disco and techno. What? No, none of that ‘offbeat electronica.’ Freak.” — Gay club owner

Diversity is a fundamental and deeply respected principle of the gay subculture, and it is highly accepting of all varieties of young, pretty, cute-arsed, nice-dicked males who have never had a sexual thought toward a woman ever, not even after six drinks and when they think none of their friends will find out.

Lesbians, and particularly their prodigious drinking, are absolutely welcome at gay clubs, provided they have the common decency to know their place in the pecking order and not try to get in on a Friday or Saturday, when fag hags are the only women permitted entry. Otherwise the venue would have to install a womens’ toilet, which would spoil the architectural clarity of the building. Or something. That’s the only reason. Lesbians are reminded that the dance floor is not a bumper car arena, and may be asked to leave if they pick a fight.

Middle-aged gay men who lack fabulous bodies may come to the event; they are warned to stay in the bears’ pit and not drool over, or lust after, the bronzed young Gods of Pride. Those caught doing so are knighted with the dreaded title of troll by the Gods, who can bestow this title freely because they are young, beautiful and certain that they will never become trolls themselves.

The respect for diversity is such that the common abbreviation for queers is “LGBT”, which stands for “Lesbians, GAY GAY GAY MEN W00T BOYS GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY UH-HUH UH-HUH and tr*ns.” (Look, the women are listed first! Bisexuals, of course, don’t exist.)

Fag hags are diverse too!”

Each Pride event concurrently hosts Fag Hag-A-Rama, a celebration of big beautiful women with big beautiful love for gay men. Though never formalized as its own celebration per se, it gives the straight, overweight woman friend of every gay man at Pride a chance to get out in the sun, wear a “cute” tube-top and a pair of “fabu” sun glasses. She may even get swept-up in the moment and take to splashing in the fountain where she will have a whale of a good time.

Always supportive, fag hag brigades (and bisexuals, who are allowed to exist at this time) will stay behind after the party moves to the bars and assist with the Pride clean-up, because cleaning up the messes left behind by gay men is the fag hag’s purpose. When finished, they too will go to the Danceteria, where they will sit alone all night at the bar, sipping grasshoppers and waving at men on the dance floor.

Strange but true, apparently:

• Oscar Wilde was completely homosexual.
• Kylie Minogue is much more gay than Bob Mould will ever be.
• If you sense any undercurrent of misogyny in the gay scene, you are a homophobic queer-bashing Nazi, particularly if you are female.

The lessons gay pride has to teach us all

The ultimate message of gay pride is that gays are normal humans just like everyone else: ignorant, bigoted and stupid.

Originally written last year for Uncyclopedia; CC by-nc-sa 2.0.

LONDON, Department of That’s A Bit Bloody Convenient, Friday (UNN Scaremongering) — A car containing a detonator, a gas cylinder, nails and sixty litres of petrol was driven into the Reichstag today, shutting down Central London. Since it was two in the morning and the suicide bomber was English, he was drunk and so forgot he had to detonate the bomb before leaving the car.

The government promptly announced exciting new protective measures, including stop-and-beat powers for the police, cavity searches for all travellers on planes, trains or coaches, penalties for being caught in possession of insufficiently light skin and a removal of the right to silence upon arrest. Oh wait, the last lot already took that last one away.

The Prime Minister, James Brown, said Britain faced “a serious and continuous threat. The first duty of goverment is to ensure the security of the populace,” he added, “rather than, e.g., promoting the general welfare of the citizenry. We must keep you safe! Look! Terrorists!“

One journalist who pointed out that “sixty litres of petrol” just meant the car’s tank had been filled is now under house arrest a confinement order an ASBO guest hosting.

“International elements” were believed to be involved with the bomb, Whitehall sources told UNN. New Home Office minister Commissioner Servalan urged people to “be alert, be vigilant, behave!” and to report any suspicious behaviour, signs of life, skin colour or facial hair to the Department of Benevolent Authority. She told a press conference that it was too early to say who was responsible but the incident “resonated” with previous terrorist plots.

The Muslim Council of Britain urged people to help the police in any way possible, except refraining from murdering Salman Rushdie.

The Prime Minister, who was crowned Wednesday, has promised “change, change, more change and all change. Look, I’ve put a completely different selection of New Labour cronies in. And departments have new names!”

Were you in the area? Were you perhaps drinking like a fish and partying in an atmosphere of between-the-wars Cabaret decadence? Had you had enough pintage to ignore the hideous face of the sole remaining single person of the appropriate sex in the building and just stare at their arse and crotch? Did nails screech down the blackboard for you? Did you get some shakycam footage on your mobile phone that we can use, because it’s much cheaper than paying actual journalists? Did you perhaps just completely fail to give a shit and go “oh gawd, another bloody terrorist attack in London, make us a cup o’ tea love, when’s the tennis on”? If you have any information you would like to share with UNN, you can do so using the form below.

• Oar Georgewell “Vegetable Farm“. Down and Out in Baghdad and London, June 29, 2007