“You know me. When it comes to numbers, I just … fall apart.”
Crypto the Movie, starring KURT RUSSELL, came out yesterday — on Video-on-Demand. And in “select theaters,” which means “nowhere.” I realised I had access to it, and tweeted accordingly:
it appears i have access to Crypto the Movie. Duty calls, even tho I want to tell duty to just bugger off. I watched the trailer and wanted to smash the screen every 10 seconds. This thing is 105 individual minutes. Is it fair to review a movie you played at 2x
Josh Quittner promptly asked me to review it for Decrypt — and it’s up now! GO CLICK ON THAT and TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS TO. I think this is the first review in the crypto press.
After everyone on earth thought the trailer was terrible, the director was falling over himself to disclaim it. Now, you might think that a trailer was the advertisement for the film, showing literally the most enticing 120 seconds of it … but he urged us: “Reserve judgment. Watch the movie.”
Unfortunately, it doesn’t make it much better. You can see the actors are good, though — much better than the film itself. Good actors, bad lines. KURT RUSSELL barely does anything, but his few minutes are top-notch.
It’s a “thriller” because it’s all ominous and filmed in the dark, with ominous whooshing that’s heavy on the bass end to indicate ominous trouble is coming. Ominously. It’s as subtle as a large array of thudding things.
I realised that with the hero being a bank compliance officer, I really wanted the story of forensic auditor BOFHs throwing paperwork grenades that kill 50 people. Possibly I have been following the Quadriga saga a bit closely.
- Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times
- Noel Murray, LA Times
- Peter Sobcynzski, eFilmCritic — though he thought the acting itself sucked
Here’s the scene (33:34–34:14) where Bitcoin Bro evangelises crypto to Our Hero, the bank compliance officer. This is the best bit of the film:
“I’m telling you, man. Banks! Hedge funds! They’re buying up crypto! Maybe for investment purposes, but I think they’re trying to sabotage it!”
“Why would they do that.”
“They can’t control it! No centralised regulation, it cuts them out of the action!”
“But I thought it was all dark web s—t. I mean, terrorists, human trafficking, drug use …”
“I-it is to some degree. But the banks use all that s—t to inject the moral element that doesn’t exist. Trust me! The central banks are gonna try and destroy it, just watch!”
“Invest in it, turn the other way, drive the price through the roof, and scare the people it originally appealed to away!”
“Do you really believe all this s—t, or are you just bored out of your mind?”
“Are those two things mutually exclusive?”
Is this a great film? No. Is this a bad film? No, it’s reasonably constructed. But it’s not inspired. Will it be remembered? Probably not. Will it be on Mystery Science Theater 3000? Nah. Is this good news for Bitcoin? LOL.
“I’m getting the whiff of mild conspiracy coming off you. Maybe you’ve been hanging out with your Bitcoin buddy too much.”
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