1 Kings 3:16-28 — the Judgement of Solomon when Bitcoin is brought before him

16Scene: King Solomon’s court. Two harlots, LUKE-JR and ROGER VER, rock up in front of KING SOLOMON with a baby called BITCOIN.


17O my lord, I and this ancap dwell in one house; and I was delivered of a crypto with him in the house.

18And it came to pass the second year after that I gave code, that this asshole was delivered also. 19And this whale’s crypto died in the night; because of too many transactions.

20And he arose at midnight, and took my coin from beside me.

21And when I rose in the morning to give my coin its small ration of bits, behold, it was dead: but when I had considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear.


22Nay; but the huge fat coin is my son, and the dead is thy son.


23The one saith, This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead: and the other saith, Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living.

24Bring me a sword. 25Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.


26Sounds like a plan.


Good idea, let’s do this.




It’s blindingly obvious we should slice the kid vertically.


Are you insane, you evil bitch? Clearly we need to cut him across the middle. Much quicker, guts all over the place.


27F— me.


Hey hey hey! I want slice of kid too! Go f— your mother if you want f—.

28And all Buttcoin heard of the judgement which the king had judged; and they commiserated with the king: for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him, to not want anything to do with these crazy assholes.

(Written last year in honour of Bitcoin Cash and posted to /r/buttcoin; I just found it again. There’s probably more of these.)

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