1 Kings 3:16-28 — the Judgement of Solomon when Bitcoin is brought before him

¹⁶Scene: King Solomon’s court. Two harlots, LUKE-JR and ROGER VER, rock up in front of KING SOLOMON with a baby called BITCOIN.

LUKE-JR

¹⁷O my lord, I and this ancap dwell in one house; and I was delivered of a crypto with him in the house.

¹⁸And it came to pass the second year after that I gave code, that this asshole was delivered also. ¹⁹And this whale’s crypto died in the night; because of too many transactions.

²⁰And he arose at midnight, and took my coin from beside me.

²¹And when I rose in the morning to give my coin its small ration of bits, behold, it was dead: but when I had considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear.

ROGER VER

²²Nay; but the huge fat coin is my son, and the dead is thy son.

KING SOLOMON

²³The one saith, This is my son that liveth, and thy son is the dead: and the other saith, Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the living.

²⁴Bring me a sword. ²⁵Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one, and half to the other.

LUKE-JR

²⁶Sounds like a plan.

ROGER VER

Good idea, let’s do this.

KING SOLOMON

What.

LUKE-JR

It’s blindingly obvious we should slice the kid vertically.

ROGER VER

Are you insane, you evil bitch? Clearly we need to cut him across the middle. Much quicker, guts all over the place.

KING SOLOMON

²⁷F— me.

JIHAN WU

Hey hey hey! I want slice of kid too! Go f— your mother if you want f—.

²⁸And all Buttcoin heard of the judgement which the king had judged; and they commiserated with the king: for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him, to not want anything to do with these crazy assholes.

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(Written last year in honour of Bitcoin Cash and posted to /r/buttcoin; I just found it again. There’s probably more of these.)